It’s my friend’s birthday today. He’s 26 years old. In wishing him happy birthday it’s kinda hit me how old we are. We aren’t the 17 year old kids from college any more. We’re adults. Hell, we are well on our way to 30. Thirty! Wha-?!
I’ve been thinking for a while just how lost I feel. Completely and utterly lost. No path to follow. No fork in the road to choose from. Sweet FA. My job/role/occupation first and foremost is being a mother, and that will never change, but I need something for me. I’m £25k in debt to the Student Finance Company for a degree in Law that I have lost all motivation for. Five long, horrible years during which I had a messy break-up, my relationship deteriorated with my parents and eventually broke, and my married, father-of-two lecturer mentally manipulated and sexually harassed me for his own entertainment, means I now have no drive left. I can’t push myself to do it anymore. And it makes me sick to think I’ve endured all that for nothing. My parents are happy pretending I no longer exist. My lecturer now has three children and a blissfully ignorant wife and a career in which he is still admired and respected. I have nothing left to give. The five years of my degree completely destroyed me and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.
So what do I do now? I have no special talents. I’m not particularly good at anything. I have no passions I can really try and turn into a career - and I want that so badly. Not a job working 9-5, a career in which I can establish myself and feel proud of. I’ve worked all my life for that and now it’s just… gone.
I’ve tried talking to my fiancé but he never seems to fully understand. He said that my aspiration is to have an aspiration, and he’s right I guess.
I don’t know. As sad as it sounds, today made me realise we aren’t getting any younger. And I need to find something to do with my life. As they say, it’s a short one.
IF YOU BLAME YOUNG GIRLS FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO REACT TO UNWELCOME SEXUAL ADVANCES FROM ADULT MEN I WILL DESTROY YOU, I WILL ERADICATE EVERY PROTON THAT COMPRISES YOUR WORTHLESS BODY, HOW DARE YOU
I actually feel like I’m dying I’m just that tired, and I was all “yeah let’s go to bed!”
Now I’m on here and working my way through a large bar of Dairy Milk.
EVERY. TIME. DAMMIT.